little altars: Light at the End of the Tunnel

It's May! This is the time of year when everyone in Education has smile on their face and a song in their heart. No matter how bad the kids are, and there is nothing worse than spring time in a middle school, we see the light at the end of the tunnel and pull together all our reserves. When the last couple of months turn into weeks and then it becomes easier to countdown in days, there is no way to explain the eurphoria. We are now into the teens on day count. Incredible.

I'm an excitable person on an average day, so this is like gasoline on a fire. Beside myself, I tell you, beside myself. I start my countdown the day we get back from Christmas break and wake up every morning after spring break with a week/day/Monday count. This is not because I don't love my job. I really do love my job. I enjoy the kids, work with the greatest people in the world and am even fortunate enough to work with one of my real life besties. I get tremendous satisfaction from my work and feel like I'm pretty good at what I do, having done it for 20+ years. Not many get to do exactly what they feel called to do. The sweet feeling of freedom, though, is a strong one. I'm sure it's rooted in the excitement you feel as a child as summer vacation approaches and has become a part of the yearly cycle that is my life. I can't NOT feel fluttery in the spring.

This year is going to be different, though. This is the last year I'll have a reason to feel this way. This is my last year to do what I love, because I've found that there are more important things to do and things I love more.

After a lot of soul searching and prayer and more than one look at the budget, I've decided to retire. I'm actually about 4 years away from real retirement age, but couldn't think of a good reason to keep working full time. Other than money. Yeah, that'll be a problem. One reason so many changes were made in our expenses for my New Year's suggestions was to see if we could tighten things enough to make this work. Although life without the Food Network and HGTV has been tough, the trade off will be worth it.

In the beginning, it was all about the babies. I miss my babies sooooo much. I get to see them almost every week or so, and I don't expect that to increase much more. However, getting to see them for as long as I want and to be able to bring them home with me whenever we feel like it is going to be so great. Because Eddie is in the Army, we don't know where they will be in four years. If I were to stay on until "real" retirement comes, will it do me any good if they are in Korea? Not a chance I'm willing to take. I want to impact my grand babies' lives, not just be a picture in an album or a voice on the phone. My maternal grandmother died when my mom was a baby and I never spent more that a few days total with a step-grandmother who didn't share my language. My paternal grandmother died on my first birthday. I was lucky to share Kenny's precious granny with him, but I always felt like I missed out. I DID miss out. I want my voice, my smell and the feel of my hand holding theirs to be an indelible mark in their memories. When they grow up and hear "grandma" I hope they think of treats in the bottom of a purse, breakfast outside before the sun is really up and unconditional love.

There are other reasons besides the pull of my grandma heartstrings. My parents are getting older and they need me more. It makes me sad when I've been too busy to visit and my mom says she misses me. I don't want to regret any missed opportunities with them. I want to available for the people I love, not just family. I'm going to be honest, it was all about me when I first started thinking about it. When the decision was finally made, God has made it clear that there are other things that need to be done and ways in which I can serve Him. Not in a large, go to Africa and build schools kind of way, but in everyday ways. I want to be available for Him, to be His hands and feet.

The plan is not to quit working completely. I'll still sub and do contract work, but on my schedule, not the school's. Gotta make a little fun money! I need to keep my interpreting skillz up and see my friends, too. I'm ~~hoping~~ praying that it won't be too tough financially. Quoting John Walton after Ma asked how they were gonna make it after spending all the money to buy Christmas gifts for the kids, "we're gonna live on love, Ma, we're gonna live on love". (I loved the Waltons)

So, sweet friends, my excitement and anxiety are increasing as the days dwindle. One of the biggest decisions we will make is now upon me. First I became a Grandma, then I turned 50, now...retirement. I can't wait!

I'm gonna hang with my buddies.