One of my biggest fears and dreads was spending holidays alone. I could never imagine being alone on a holiday, especially Christmas. Honestly, I was frozen with dread that my children would marry, move away and not be home for Christmas. Or worse, no one would be here and I would someday sit alone on Christmas morning. No decorations, no squealing children, no eating until we couldn't move.
That's where I am today. Alone. And I'm ok. As a matter of fact, my heart is full and I'm as happy as I've ever been.
Maybe it's all rooted in my love for tradition and the need to control everything. I love hustle and bustle and a party atmosphere. Whatever the cause, I couldn't think of anything worse. Because Kenny is a fireman, we've had to be creative with our Christmas mornings, getting up before dawn or delaying coming out of our rooms until he made it home, but we ALWAYS followed the same game plan. Jammies on Christmas Eve along with carrots for the reindeer and cookies for Santa. Christmas morning would find lots of gifts under the tree (we didn't put out gifts until then), gnawed on carrot nubs and only crumbs on Santa's plate.
When Meg got married, they came home on Christmas and we were able to follow our same traditions, but when the first baby came, things had to change. I felt very strongly that their kids have their own traditions in their own home. I didn't want their Christmas to be dependent on being at our house since chances are good that they will eventually be at a place where coming home for Christmas might be impossible. Time for me to give up what took 3 decades to perfect!
Year one, they flew down Christmas day and Reid was only 2 month old, so that was fine. Year 2, Eddie was in Cuba and they flew down there right after Thanksgiving to spend a month with him. Instead of faking a Christmas so early or late, we went skiing with friends. It took some of the sting away. Last year, Helena was 6 weeks old, so we went there (during all this, poor B just went along with it. What a good son!). For the years they weren't here on the actual morning of Christmas, we cooked breakfast at a homeless shelter to take our mind off things. Nothing like service to those without to make you feel less whiney.
This was the year...the year that there was a deliberate decision for them the stay home for Christmas and be their own little family. I was ok with that, I even encouraged it. I didn't want there to be a lot of forced "hurry up and celebrate". Also, I realized that giving up some Christmas expectations allows you to come up with a whole new plan. I love me some planning!!!
The yearly trip to the Christmas tree farm is now theirs, I bought a vintage aluminum tree. Christmas china was not brought down, festive paper plates were purchased (don't think I can stick with this one, though. I hate paper plates). Instead of the big Christmas dinner, we did a Christmas Eve dinner of home made Japanese ramen with all the trimmings. On Christmas morning, we did a brunch and sat around in our jammies all day. Some things did stay the same. They were able to open one gift Christmas Eve and it was, SURPRISE!, jammies. We did feed the reindeer, but oatmeal instead of carrots (I used them all for the ramen base and forgot to buy more). Cookies were left for Santa, too. Still no gifts under the tree until Christmas morning and each kiddo had their own paper so their gifts were easier to find.
Oh, and Christmas Eve was the 22nd. We changed that and Christmas day. We will not live by the restraints of a calendar and that in itself is freeing. Better still, ALL the decorations were down, along with the tree, by the afternoon of the 24th, now known as the day after Christmas.
Last night, Kenny, B and I went to Joe T's, which is something we started doing the first year Meg and Eddie couldn't come down on the 24th. It is a sweet time with just the 3 of us and I enjoy it so much. Kenny and I went home, drank some mulled wine and listened to Christmas music while looking at our Christmas pictures from the weekend and talking about how wonderful our grandkids are (you probably would, too, if you had these sweeties). Then we went to bed at 10. He went into work this morning, covering a shift for a new guy who has babies and couldn't get the day off. B is going to his girlfriend's house. Because of the weather, I'm not driving to see anyone and I have found myself where I never wanted to be, but with which I am at peace. Completely alone.
I slept late, watched the babies open gifts with Face Time and talked to my family. I put extra nuts in my oatmeal and drank 2 Diet Cokes instead of one. I have a fire in the fireplace and am listening to Christmas carols. The quiet is giving me time to think about what is great about my life. I have such good friends and neighbors. I'm lucky enough to still have both my parents. I am blessed beyond what I deserve with my kids and husband and don't get me started on those grand babies! I tear up just thinking about what a gift they are to me. My family is all close by (relative, for sure, but better that Seattle).
It's also given me the chance to reflect on the goodness of God and his most precious gift, His Son. Certainly there is no one less deserving than me and yet He is here. I am not alone. We spend so much time worrying about our "what if's" not realizing that they will not be in a void. He is here, He will be then, too. Sweet relationships won't disappear but will sustain us when we are alone. If family can't be here on the DATE, we will make it special on the DAY that they can.
I'm probably late to the party of realization, but I'm here now. Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you have peace and joy and love, not only today, but everyday. I pray that if you don't, you will take a step in that direction. It's there, I'll take that step with you if you want.
And now, a few pics of Christmas 2012.
Coming soon, the rest of the DIY gifts, and a few fails.
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